Wednesday, May 26, 2010

SHOUTING AT THE MOON

A GIFT IN EVERYTHING

Rhonda Byrne, creator of “The Secret” writes: "Look for the gifts in everything, especially when you are facing what appears to be a negative situation. Everything that we attract causes us to grow, which means that ultimately everything is for our own good.... Adjusting to a new path and a new direction will require new qualities and strengths, and these qualities are always exactly what we need to acquire in order to accomplish the great things ahead in our life.”

Do you find yourself shouting at the moon: “Why me?!?” Or...even shouting at God: “How could you do this to us?!?!” If we live from the perspective that we live in a universe in which the so-called “good” people (you and me) are rewarded and the so-called “bad” people (them) are punished by a force or a God that doles out the rewards and punishments, then it is understandable that we are often found shouting at the moon or shouting at God when we are faced with difficult and painful circumstances.

Why would God let this horrible thing happen to me?” is the kind of question many of us may ask, when we are in abject pain and needing to blame something, someone, as we grapple with the frustration and confusion of feeling that life's challenges and pains are “unfair” and “cruel”.

When our relationship with God is on the basis of a business deal, in which we have promised to be good, in return for which we believe that God will take care of us by sparing us the pain and suffering of life, then we can feel let down – even betrayed – by God or the Universe.

However, if we can expand our relationship with God or the Universe to include the notion that everything that happens in our life is some form of blessing, and that God or the Universe wants only the best of what life has to offer, then even the toughest of trials and difficulties takes on another dimension.

Byron Katie, in her book Loving What Is, muses that every time we spend any time or attention on wishing that something be something else, we lose. It is important to be willing to face what is right in front of us, and to ask the question: How can I make this a blessing and not a curse?

I maintain that Life is not unfair. Life just is. The way we each handle life is what makes the difference. It might appear that some people are holding a shitty deck of cards, while others are holding all the good ones. But whatever that hand is, we have learned that the game isn't necessarily won by the person who holds the best cards...right? It's all in how the cards are played.

I've often heard the story of Hershel, a man who had survived the Holocaust during World War II, endured the horrors of the death camps, watched his entire family be taken away and slaughtered, but he survived it all. Hershel scraped and clawed his way to freedom, barely alive in Auchwitz when the American troups liberated the camps in 1945. He struggled to survive, to live and to thrive. He found his way to America. Shortly after arriving in New York in 1947, after the war and after his liberation, Hershel was walking across Third Avenue and was hit by a bus and killed immediately. “Why would God let this happen to this poor man, who struggled so mightily to survive, only to be killed by a bus in NYC!?!?”

God wasn't driving the bus. Sam was driving the bus. Sam didn't see Hershel crossing the street...

Was all of Hershel's struggle to live in vain? I don't think so. His struggle and his persistence was part of his journey, and Hershel had also become a source of inspiration to hundreds of others around Hershel who were witness to his grit and persistence.

Everything is energy. We are all connected. We are each a part of one another, in more ways than we can every know.

Life is not about the destination, nor is it about how many years we live. It is always about the journey. It is about the little details of the steps we take along the path. It is about the choices we make inside each and every moment of our daily path called life. It is about how we define ourselves in our loving relationships with others, and with ourselves.

When we love someone, we want to have that person in our life always, don't we? But what is “always”... Take the word apart: “ALL...WAYS”... And how many ways can we love?

We love most fully when we simply love what is.

Blessings
Sheila

Monday, May 24, 2010

HOW DO I STAY IN THE MOMENT, WHEN SOMEONE I LOVE IS DYING?

WHAT IS ETERNAL, ANYWAY?

Kristy is a 39-year-old mother of three children, ages 3, 6 & 8 who is in the final stages of pancreatic cancer. She has endured three rounds of chemotherapy, but the tumors are still there and growing. She has chosen to opt out of further chemotherapy treatments and is willing for the body to do whatever it seems determined to do, and to literally “go with the flow” of this stage of her journey in this life.

Kristy has contacted hospice and reached out to me, knowing that I would be there for her in the process, to support her when she is frightened without saying “it's going to be alright”... She knows that I am there for her, without wishing it would be otherwise. She knows that I am there for her, without cursing her illness and resisting the inevitability of her body's death within the foreseeable future.

Kristy brings us all a gift: she is glowing with a vitality and zest for life which defies the angel of death. She looks forward to being with her husband and her children every day. She has decided NOT to believe the doctors who say she only has a few months to live; she would rather surrender to the great uncertainty of life itself, saying that she is challenging the forecast for her death, and may just “buy” another week or month or year of life for herself. In the meantime, she in choosing to enjoy each moment of life that is right in front of her face.

Many of us are faced with illness ourselves, or with a loved one who has been given an imminent death sentence. Many of us have elderly parents and know that the time is near that we will be saying that final “goodbye” to a beloved mother or father, not quite sure when their physical frailties will tip the scale of life's viability.

The question so many of us have is “how do I welcome the inevitability of something I dread?”
We have a choice: (1) to deny and resist what is real and inevitable (like getting older, like it or not!); or (2) to embrace and welcome what is real and inevitable (like getting older) as a natural part of life, and I might as well accept it and surrender to it, since not doing so causes me (and others) more pain and suffering!

Whenever we get stuck asking questions like “Why me?” or shouting to the heavens “It isn't fair!”, we are involved in an inner dialogue that sounds like “poor me” and “I'm an unwilling victim!”, when we actually have an opportunity to look at any given situation as a form of blessing, not a curse.

When we love someone, the risk we are taking is that we could lose them. Maybe they will die before we do. Maybe they will walk away from us and disappear without a whisper. Maybe we will decide to leave them and then feel the pangs of sadness as we leave them behind.

When we have something precious which we prize, of course it is natural to want to hold onto it, and never let go, because it is a treasure and we don't want to lose our treasure. But when we can look at each moment of life as a series of potential “timeless moments” and moments of “eternity”, we begin to see that whatever we have had which is precious and which we treasure has become part of our “eternal treasure chest” and no one can take that away from you or me.

Nonetheless, the nature of life is that there is also death.

The death could occur when a new baby dies in childbirth, or after a year or so of sweet life; or a teenager could be killed in a car accident; or a young child could be born with Cystic Fibrosis and destined to have a short life; or a young adult could succumb to juvenile diabetes; or a young man could succumb to a sudden heart attack; or a young mother could endure pancreatic cancer and be told she will die before her 40th birthday.

We all have stories. We all have someone precious to us for whom a “goodbye” would be (and will be) difficult and painful...because we have loved them, and they have loved us.

However...people may die, but love does not.

The gift we all give one another while we are alive and vital and passionate is he gift of love.
When our bodies fail us, love lives on long after our bodies stop functioning. After all, our bodies have only been an instrument of love. Our bodies are not eternal, but our love is...

Blessings,
Sheila

Monday, May 10, 2010

AM I HAVING FUN YET?!?!?

"AM I HAVING FUN YET?"

I have recently re-entered the world on online dating. It is indeed an adventure. I'm reminding myself that I asked for it. I'm reminding myself that it's a "sorting process". I'm reminding myself of the principles of persistence and faith, not insisting on the instant results I am seeking, but rather, to enjoy the journey of getting there.

So far this week, since putting myself back online just 8 days ago, I have had seven phone conversations and four in-person dates with three delightful men.

So far this week, this is what I am learning about the process and myself:

There are many loving, caring, spiritually evolved and authentic men out there in our world who are truly seeking companionship, long-term relationships, and even seeking their "soul mate" at a stage in life when many people have become jaded and lost in the energy of futility.

There are also many men who simply want an intimate encounter (not something I am seeking), want an "activity partner" (aside from sex, men want someone to share activities such as going to the threatre, hiking, traveling, sailing, and golfing). These men do not necessarily seek love nor any kind of loving relationship. These men may actually be disinterested in any kind of commitment or real intimacy, although seek a sexual partner nonetheless.

During this week, I almost had a date with Howard; he seemed nice and we seemed to have stuff in common. Then...while he was texting me the address for the cafe where we would meet, I looked closer at his user name and noticed it spelled out "R U HORNY 2" -- silly me, I thought I had seen something else in the acronym... So when I noticed what Howard's user name really was, I emailed him expressing my thought that perhaps he and I were seeking different things; he responded that he agreed and we cancelled the date.

The next day, Joel reached out to me, emailing me a lovely note, saying that he found my picture and my profile "adorable", and he persisted in meeting me for coffee then took me out to dinner last night. What I endured was an entire evening of Joel's stories about himself, his accomplishments, his experiences with various businesses and acquisitions...and at the end of the evening when he made it clear he wanted some "lovin", I politely declined, saying I needed to go home, as the time was late and I had a long day today.

The truth about my experience with Joel: I felt lonely and invisible -- as if he simply needed someone to hear about his accomplishments, stroke his ego, notice his new Mercedes, applaud his beautiful home, and then be available for "some lovin'", as if I was remotely ready for such things! In my vision of what I am seeking in a relationship with a special man, I seek a man who is loving, caring, curious, enthusiastic, passionate, affectionate, thoughtful, spiritually aware, playful, and vigorous with a keen sense of humor. I had shared a portion of one of my CDs in which I am singing (in answer to his question to me "do you sing?"). As the piece was playing, he continued his conversation about some business venture he wanted to make sure I heard about. He never commented on my voice. Never asked about me. Never expressed any curiosity about me, my life, my work, my interests... NOTHING!

In the meantime, I've had some phone conversations with a few lovely men, one of whom has not responded to my offer to meet him for coffee, since I would be nearby his office for a meeting. Oh well. I also met with another gorgeous man who took me out for drinks; we had a lively two-hour conversation which will most likely go nowhere, but he was a gentleman and reminded me that there are really good men out there! Not every date is going to be a "click" but can also have a benefit.

Then there's John: I haven't met him yet. Our phone chats have been upbeat and connecting. He is ten years younger than I, but isn't concerned about the age difference. He emailed me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day, saying he was thinking of me and hoped it was a good day for me. Joel, who took me out to dinner on Mother's Day evening, never mentioned Mother's Day, never acknowledged it as a day that was either relevant or special to me. Another sweet man I haven't yet met also sent me Mother's Day greetings. Go figure!

So I am asking myself: "Am I having fun yet?"

The answer is "YES!" I am learning about who appeals to me and who does not. I am learning to accept that although someone else may appeal to me, maybe I don't appeal to him, and that's okay. I am learning that there is something in this process of seeking that special man which continues to stretch me, challenge me and teach me about the variety of men out there, about myself and what characteristics are inviting me, and about the fact that whether or not I meet that "Mr. Right"...I am always IN LOVE WITH MY LIFE!

I am in a state of loving appreciation of everything that comes to me.

How about you?

Blessings,
Sheila