HOW DO I STAY IN THE MOMENT, WHEN SOMEONE I LOVE IS DYING?

WHAT IS ETERNAL, ANYWAY?

Kristy is a 39-year-old mother of three children, ages 3, 6 & 8 who is in the final stages of pancreatic cancer. She has endured three rounds of chemotherapy, but the tumors are still there and growing. She has chosen to opt out of further chemotherapy treatments and is willing for the body to do whatever it seems determined to do, and to literally “go with the flow” of this stage of her journey in this life.

Kristy has contacted hospice and reached out to me, knowing that I would be there for her in the process, to support her when she is frightened without saying “it's going to be alright”... She knows that I am there for her, without wishing it would be otherwise. She knows that I am there for her, without cursing her illness and resisting the inevitability of her body's death within the foreseeable future.

Kristy brings us all a gift: she is glowing with a vitality and zest for life which defies the angel of death. She looks forward to being with her husband and her children every day. She has decided NOT to believe the doctors who say she only has a few months to live; she would rather surrender to the great uncertainty of life itself, saying that she is challenging the forecast for her death, and may just “buy” another week or month or year of life for herself. In the meantime, she in choosing to enjoy each moment of life that is right in front of her face.

Many of us are faced with illness ourselves, or with a loved one who has been given an imminent death sentence. Many of us have elderly parents and know that the time is near that we will be saying that final “goodbye” to a beloved mother or father, not quite sure when their physical frailties will tip the scale of life's viability.

The question so many of us have is “how do I welcome the inevitability of something I dread?”
We have a choice: (1) to deny and resist what is real and inevitable (like getting older, like it or not!); or (2) to embrace and welcome what is real and inevitable (like getting older) as a natural part of life, and I might as well accept it and surrender to it, since not doing so causes me (and others) more pain and suffering!

Whenever we get stuck asking questions like “Why me?” or shouting to the heavens “It isn't fair!”, we are involved in an inner dialogue that sounds like “poor me” and “I'm an unwilling victim!”, when we actually have an opportunity to look at any given situation as a form of blessing, not a curse.

When we love someone, the risk we are taking is that we could lose them. Maybe they will die before we do. Maybe they will walk away from us and disappear without a whisper. Maybe we will decide to leave them and then feel the pangs of sadness as we leave them behind.

When we have something precious which we prize, of course it is natural to want to hold onto it, and never let go, because it is a treasure and we don't want to lose our treasure. But when we can look at each moment of life as a series of potential “timeless moments” and moments of “eternity”, we begin to see that whatever we have had which is precious and which we treasure has become part of our “eternal treasure chest” and no one can take that away from you or me.

Nonetheless, the nature of life is that there is also death.

The death could occur when a new baby dies in childbirth, or after a year or so of sweet life; or a teenager could be killed in a car accident; or a young child could be born with Cystic Fibrosis and destined to have a short life; or a young adult could succumb to juvenile diabetes; or a young man could succumb to a sudden heart attack; or a young mother could endure pancreatic cancer and be told she will die before her 40th birthday.

We all have stories. We all have someone precious to us for whom a “goodbye” would be (and will be) difficult and painful...because we have loved them, and they have loved us.

However...people may die, but love does not.

The gift we all give one another while we are alive and vital and passionate is he gift of love.
When our bodies fail us, love lives on long after our bodies stop functioning. After all, our bodies have only been an instrument of love. Our bodies are not eternal, but our love is...

Blessings,
Sheila