46 years ago today, my baby daughter died suddenly at the age of 8 months. At one moment, she seemed fine, although with a little congestion, and I dropped her off with her babysitter while I went to work. In a few hours, her babysitter called to say that “Daedra is having trouble breathing!” and I rushed her to the hospital. A few hours later, she was gone.
That major event, that painful loss, that poignant reminder that “you never know!” has served to shape my adult life: I've learned to take no precious moment for granted; I've learned that anything can happen at any time, so enjoy this moment, enjoy this hug, enjoy this meal – you just don't know what lies ahead.
Today, I have several “daughters” - they are not from my womb, but from a sweet and deep soul connection. They are women who have come into my life who have needed re-parenting, have needed the nurturing of a mother's heart, and have given me the privilege of loving them: some of their names include Kim, Criss, Lisa, Susan, and Laura. These are only a few. Having been a mother only briefly, mourning the loss of that child, created a large space in my heart for the many “daughters” who have come into my life since that painful loss 46 years ago. Daedra was among my greatest gifts and blessings.
In a post a few days ago, I shared some conversations which took place between me and various members of a study group to which I belong. “G's” father had suddenly become ill and “G” had emailed our group to ask for our support and prayers. I had shared in this previous post the series of events ranging from G's father's critical condition to his father's dramatic “turn around”, and shared some of the email dialogue which ensued.
Within two days of the dramatic improvement and turn-around of G's father, G sent us the following message, announcement that his father had passed:
Today @ 12:10AM my father made his transition. In the true tradition of the 50/50 There are many things that are good about his passing and many things that are painful. Sitting at the hospital watching and thinking as the warmth of his body disappeared into the atmosphere inside that building, I realized that I too had transitioned in my own way.
I have never felt more adult. I never felt more like HIS son. My father's life touched a wide circle of people. He was well-liked and respected by people who knew him in even the most casual way. His way is the way of kindness, and generosity. His way is the way of solid, dependable, organized approaches to life. Every bill, every month, paid well before time. Funny how he forgot to pass along that gene in the little package I inherited.
When I was in the first grade, my teacher, Ms. Prescod, A Jamaican,told the class a story. The night before there had been a Parents-Teacher Evening. My father happened across Ms. Prescod as she was leaving the building for home. Aas gentlemanly gesture, he offered her a ride home. When she told the class this story to the class it made a mark on me that can never be removed or even changed. She placed great emphasis on how upon arriving at her house, he waited at the curb until she entered her home. This made her feel safe, appreciated and special. Although the story slipped out of conscious memory. Nearly thirty years later I find myself doing the same thing.
I am so tired now I am nearly delirious, but when I close my human eyes and open those that only repond to wonder, I peer through a metaphorical window in my mind. I see my Daddy waiting by the curb in a light blue Valiant for me get safely into my house, whatever that turns out to be.
I can gaze softly at this now smooth face, I RECOGNIZE that I am, will be, and have always been loved. Well loved. Well loved. Well loved.
Thank you for the role you play in my life.
G
This is my response to G:
Thank you G!
Thank you for allowing us all the honor and blessing of being a part of this journey.It is a sacred journey.It is a sweet and poignant journey.It is a journey which many of us have walked, or shall soon walk...How precious it is to feel that sweet pain that comes to each of us when we say goodbye to the physical form of a beloved...in that passing of the physical and in the falling of our tears, we begin to grasp what is meant by the word "eternal" and the experience of "love"...In your beautiful sharing, you gave a gift which is priceless and eternal: you offered us the blueprint for honoring our own beloved who have passed or shall.
You have also reminded us of the gifts we leave behind when our physical presence has passed: its called memory...
May your father's sweet and timeless memory be for a blessing for you and all he touched with the substance of his life.
Amen
Sheila
Monday, March 8, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
"Keep Doing Whatever You're Doing!"
In yesterday's post, I shared the conversations between "G" and other members of our group, including "C" and "A" plus my own contribution to the exchanges.
This morning, "G" wrote an astonishing followup to his previous report on his father's condition, entitled "Better Update":
Dear Friends:
I am writing to say thank You for all of your profound responses and you of your prayers. I am not sure what is responsible for the positive result with my father's health. There's been an important shift in the situation. Today we found out that we will have access to a visiting nurse and a consulting doctor. My father suddenly began taking water & other fluids. Than he suddenly began to reveal his feelings about what is going on with him both physically and emotionally. Normally he is locked up tighter Fort Knox. However, with this information, I am able to address his rea lconcerns for a change. Then for the 1st time since Saturday, he ate some mashed potatoes.
Ya'll keep doing what you're doing. I will work on staying positive. As so many of you said to me, one foot in front of the other.
Staying present.
G
What I have learned by experiencing my journey with my own husband and my mother, whatever our loved ones are going through is also an invitation for us to face them and their struggles with equanimity: without judgment. With presence.
As I had said to "G" earlier yesterday, miracles happen when we can become fully present to the moment right in front of our faces: with our presence, we open an energetic and emotional space for everyone to expand into possibilities we cannot see when we are engaged with anger and fear and insistence that the situation be something other than what it is.
G's father was able to express himself emotionally in a new way; and he was able to ask for mashed potatoes!
With blessings and with love
Sheila
This morning, "G" wrote an astonishing followup to his previous report on his father's condition, entitled "Better Update":
Dear Friends:
I am writing to say thank You for all of your profound responses and you of your prayers. I am not sure what is responsible for the positive result with my father's health. There's been an important shift in the situation. Today we found out that we will have access to a visiting nurse and a consulting doctor. My father suddenly began taking water & other fluids. Than he suddenly began to reveal his feelings about what is going on with him both physically and emotionally. Normally he is locked up tighter Fort Knox. However, with this information, I am able to address his rea lconcerns for a change. Then for the 1st time since Saturday, he ate some mashed potatoes.
Ya'll keep doing what you're doing. I will work on staying positive. As so many of you said to me, one foot in front of the other.
Staying present.
G
What I have learned by experiencing my journey with my own husband and my mother, whatever our loved ones are going through is also an invitation for us to face them and their struggles with equanimity: without judgment. With presence.
As I had said to "G" earlier yesterday, miracles happen when we can become fully present to the moment right in front of our faces: with our presence, we open an energetic and emotional space for everyone to expand into possibilities we cannot see when we are engaged with anger and fear and insistence that the situation be something other than what it is.
G's father was able to express himself emotionally in a new way; and he was able to ask for mashed potatoes!
With blessings and with love
Sheila
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
"I'm in So Much Pain!"
As you follow this blog, you will notice that my ongoing theme is "There is a gift in every aspect of our lives, and the bigger the difficulty, the bigger the gift!"
I understand that it is annoying if not impossible to hear that, as we are in the midst of great pain and suffering. Who wants to be told that this pain or this heart-break is any kind of "gift"?!
Nonetheless, that is what I am saying. Nonetheless, that is what I have experienced myself, in my life. Nonetheless, that is what I have witnessed with others I encounter all around me, whether it is friends and family, members of my various communities, and/or my dear clients.
The series of email communications is something that just occurred among members of a spiritual community to which I belong. To protect everyone's privacy, everyone but myself is designated with an initial letter: "G", "A", and "C"
This exchange is an example of a painful family situation for G, who had written for support and prayers from us in his group. "A" responded to G and I then responded to both "A" and "G". "C" responded to me.
This exchange is also an example of what I refer to as "wisdom conversations" - you and I have them all the time, if we just listen:
Dear Friends,
I hope this message finds each of You well. I am finding it difficult to write this message.
This weekend my father's health has taken a turn in a bad direction.
Although as of 5 days ago his vital signs were stable at a reasonable level & his long-term chronic illnesses are under control. Starting Friday he began to refuse food. Saturday he began to give us a hard time taking fluids. He fights us when we try to give him his absolutely essential meds. As a result his well-regulated blood pressure has soared to dangerous highs. We sneak meds into everything we can but it's difficult. As I write this the pressure is climbing again.
We are fearing the worst since we've been told these are symptoms of a terminal patient nearing the end. Yet that seems crazy since we gotten a clean bill of heath so recently.
I am feeling a cacophony of emotions and I am no master of the language of emotion. So I am reaching out. I am not sure what I want or what I need. I just feel I had to say something. I don't have to have every answer. I want him to stay. I don't want him to suffer. Until now these 2 ends complimented each other. Now I don't know.
Thanks 4 listening.
G
=======================================
Dearest G_____,
Ask a group like this and you will receive a flood of prayers and support like no other. I am so sorry to hear that you father is not doing well and hope that his suffering can improve.You are loved and your family will be held in our thoughts and prayers.
The conflict you describe so eloquently is hard to imagine.As you continue to need support, do not hesitate to ask and friends will appear in a flash.
Much love and peace to you brother G____ at this very difficult time.
We are here with you.
Love,
A
=======================================================================
Hello dear G_____,
I know we are "all one" so that when I speak to you, I speak to us all and to myself as well...
You may or may not be aware that I have walked a similar path both with my dear husband (who passed in 2005) and with my dear mother (who has been in a nursing home since March 09)...
As difficult and painful as this is for you and all of your loved ones, I want to suggest that all of it is "perfect" (not pleasant) and part of your collective opportunity to honor life, experience a part of yourselves and your own consciousness which is being invited by this heart-wrenching situation for your dear father and all who love him.As one of my healing teachers said to me: "the physical is the least of it all"...and it looks like it is the most of it all...
In the process of the struggle and "doing whatever it takes" to maintain life and the quality of life, we are each faced with moment-to-moment existential issues and emotional challenges: "why this?" and "this isn't fair" and "no-one should have to go through this!"...and yet...life is neither fair nor unfair.
Life just is.
It is how we respond to it that defines each moment...
In the midst of my husband's long illness, I discovered a whole new world of myself that was being invited to an "impossible" situation. I discovered strength and love and internal grit I didn't know was there. I also discovered a world of loving caregivers and friends and family who surrounded my husband and me with support and emotional sustenance.
Most of all, I discovered a world of soul connection and spirit-to-spirit communication which has taught me that whatever is happening on the physical level of life is a tip of the ice burg of what the total "reality" is for us all...
In Neale Donald Walsch's book "Home with God" he gives us the broader picture: he calls "continuation day" that time when the physical form returns to source... All that we are experiencing here and now in our physical condition is a small part of the greater reality of ourselves as spiritual beings...
If your emotional language is limited for you, this experience can stretch you in the same moments you are being fully present to your father and his many needs...
More than you could know, my heart is with you, and I am sending the intention of joyful acceptance of all that is the "what's so" for you and your father.
After you have fought all the battles, asked all the questions, done everything possible to support homeostasis and comfort for your father, what he needs most from you is your presence: being fully present to him and with him, without judging his situation...
That will be the most healing energy you can offer him...
With love and blessings
Sheila Pearl
==============================================================
Dearest Sheila,
I just had to let you know that I find your words are so loving, comforting and insightful.
Thank you for sharing them with us all.
Love,
C
==============================================================
Dear Sheila
Thank You for all of your kind words.
I find I never know how many similarities exist between our stories until something like this happens. At the same time, acknowledging these same similarities makes it easier to walk the tightrope between hope, fear, and facts.
Thanks again!
G
==========================================
In each of our painful situations, there is a gift at the core of it. Keep looking for it. It is there!
With love and blessings
Sheila
I understand that it is annoying if not impossible to hear that, as we are in the midst of great pain and suffering. Who wants to be told that this pain or this heart-break is any kind of "gift"?!
Nonetheless, that is what I am saying. Nonetheless, that is what I have experienced myself, in my life. Nonetheless, that is what I have witnessed with others I encounter all around me, whether it is friends and family, members of my various communities, and/or my dear clients.
The series of email communications is something that just occurred among members of a spiritual community to which I belong. To protect everyone's privacy, everyone but myself is designated with an initial letter: "G", "A", and "C"
This exchange is an example of a painful family situation for G, who had written for support and prayers from us in his group. "A" responded to G and I then responded to both "A" and "G". "C" responded to me.
This exchange is also an example of what I refer to as "wisdom conversations" - you and I have them all the time, if we just listen:
Dear Friends,
I hope this message finds each of You well. I am finding it difficult to write this message.
This weekend my father's health has taken a turn in a bad direction.
Although as of 5 days ago his vital signs were stable at a reasonable level & his long-term chronic illnesses are under control. Starting Friday he began to refuse food. Saturday he began to give us a hard time taking fluids. He fights us when we try to give him his absolutely essential meds. As a result his well-regulated blood pressure has soared to dangerous highs. We sneak meds into everything we can but it's difficult. As I write this the pressure is climbing again.
We are fearing the worst since we've been told these are symptoms of a terminal patient nearing the end. Yet that seems crazy since we gotten a clean bill of heath so recently.
I am feeling a cacophony of emotions and I am no master of the language of emotion. So I am reaching out. I am not sure what I want or what I need. I just feel I had to say something. I don't have to have every answer. I want him to stay. I don't want him to suffer. Until now these 2 ends complimented each other. Now I don't know.
Thanks 4 listening.
G
=======================================
Dearest G_____,
Ask a group like this and you will receive a flood of prayers and support like no other. I am so sorry to hear that you father is not doing well and hope that his suffering can improve.You are loved and your family will be held in our thoughts and prayers.
The conflict you describe so eloquently is hard to imagine.As you continue to need support, do not hesitate to ask and friends will appear in a flash.
Much love and peace to you brother G____ at this very difficult time.
We are here with you.
Love,
A
=======================================================================
Hello dear G_____,
I know we are "all one" so that when I speak to you, I speak to us all and to myself as well...
You may or may not be aware that I have walked a similar path both with my dear husband (who passed in 2005) and with my dear mother (who has been in a nursing home since March 09)...
As difficult and painful as this is for you and all of your loved ones, I want to suggest that all of it is "perfect" (not pleasant) and part of your collective opportunity to honor life, experience a part of yourselves and your own consciousness which is being invited by this heart-wrenching situation for your dear father and all who love him.As one of my healing teachers said to me: "the physical is the least of it all"...and it looks like it is the most of it all...
In the process of the struggle and "doing whatever it takes" to maintain life and the quality of life, we are each faced with moment-to-moment existential issues and emotional challenges: "why this?" and "this isn't fair" and "no-one should have to go through this!"...and yet...life is neither fair nor unfair.
Life just is.
It is how we respond to it that defines each moment...
In the midst of my husband's long illness, I discovered a whole new world of myself that was being invited to an "impossible" situation. I discovered strength and love and internal grit I didn't know was there. I also discovered a world of loving caregivers and friends and family who surrounded my husband and me with support and emotional sustenance.
Most of all, I discovered a world of soul connection and spirit-to-spirit communication which has taught me that whatever is happening on the physical level of life is a tip of the ice burg of what the total "reality" is for us all...
In Neale Donald Walsch's book "Home with God" he gives us the broader picture: he calls "continuation day" that time when the physical form returns to source... All that we are experiencing here and now in our physical condition is a small part of the greater reality of ourselves as spiritual beings...
If your emotional language is limited for you, this experience can stretch you in the same moments you are being fully present to your father and his many needs...
More than you could know, my heart is with you, and I am sending the intention of joyful acceptance of all that is the "what's so" for you and your father.
After you have fought all the battles, asked all the questions, done everything possible to support homeostasis and comfort for your father, what he needs most from you is your presence: being fully present to him and with him, without judging his situation...
That will be the most healing energy you can offer him...
With love and blessings
Sheila Pearl
==============================================================
Dearest Sheila,
I just had to let you know that I find your words are so loving, comforting and insightful.
Thank you for sharing them with us all.
Love,
C
==============================================================
Dear Sheila
Thank You for all of your kind words.
I find I never know how many similarities exist between our stories until something like this happens. At the same time, acknowledging these same similarities makes it easier to walk the tightrope between hope, fear, and facts.
Thanks again!
G
==========================================
In each of our painful situations, there is a gift at the core of it. Keep looking for it. It is there!
With love and blessings
Sheila
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