It really sucks to break up with my lover!

I just had breakfast with a good friend this morning. She asked "so...how's your love life?" My answer: "what love life?" She laughed. "how many times is this?" I answered that this was the 16th time I have let him go in the past four years. "This time...I REALLY MEAN IT!" I protested. My friend smiled lovingly as she heard me exclaim "It really sucks to break up with my lover!" I don't want to let him go. But I know that this is necessary for me to move on in my life.

I have maintained that whatever is going on in my life - or your life - is perfect. Sooo...how can THIS be "perfect"? Because I created it.

Four years ago, about a year after my husband's death, I wanted passion. I wasn't ready for a fully committed relationship. I had been in a marriage for over 30 years, and needed time to heal, to stretch, to experience being alone for the first time in my life. But...I was 64 years old and wanted to experience passion. Was it even possible for me, at this stage and age of my life?

The universe heard me. I went online and found him. It was as if he had his ear to the ground and was waiting for my call. He walked into my life and with a single kiss re-ignited my energies and my sensuality. This man was the perfect response to my request of the universe.

Four years later, I've had time to heal; time to stretch, and time to experience being alone. Four years later, I'm ready to step into a fully reciprocal love relationship. One catch: this man was never the "perfect" candidate for that. He was "perfect" for me when he came to me, because he was not either interested or capable of true intimacy. I wasn't ready for intimacy when I met him, so it was the "perfect" fit for us both.

I have evolved. He has not. I want more. He does not. The more I have tried to inspire him to stretch and evolve, the more he has resisted. He has actually been a huge part of my own spiritual growth these past four years. For all of that, I am grateful and I bless him.

No significant change takes place in a comfort zone. Staying in this dead-end amorous relationship would serve nothing for me, except ongoing frustration and emotional and spiritual emptiness. I know that. But boy oh boy! It really really sucks to break up!

I miss him. I miss his touch. I miss the familiarity. I miss the comfort we have created with being in each other's skin, each other's space. I don't want to step outside that comfort zone.

It sometimes hurts to grow - it's called "growing pains". But as I have stepped aside and let him go, as much as it hurts, as much as it really sucks, I am embracing and excited about the space I am creating to allow that special man who is looking for me to find me ready for him. Finally ready!

How is it for you?

Sheila Pearl