"She ruined my life!"

How many of us walks around with this little voice inside that says things like:
If only I had been born to different parents!, or
That woman ruined my life!, or
If it hadn't been for that jerk at work, I would have been General Manager!, or
Why did I have to go through that terrible disease!, or
Why couldn't I have been born beautiful instead of smart? or
It was always the rich kids who got ahead... or
If I hadn't had kids, I would have had a great career!...
and you can fill in your own series of "oy veh" and "poor me"...

My favorite for myself is: If only my parents hadn't divorced and my father hadn't been such an emotional pigmy...If only my grandfather had left his millions to me and not my sisters...If only I hadn't gotten pregnant and had to quit school...

Today, I had a conversation with a man who was wailing about a woman at his place of business who has been a "thorn in his side" for years; he was pointing a finger at her, saying "She ruined my life!" When I asked to have him tell me more about that, he mused at how he believed that this particular person at work had systematically worked to undermine his position and authority to the point that he believed that no one really took him seriously.

I listened to this outpouring of pain, and I felt the sting. But I found myself starting to get sucked into his feeling like the victim, and I reminded myself that There are no unwilling victims. I suggested that he see this woman whom he has been blaming for years for his perceived demise at work as his greatest gift.

"What!?!?" he yelled at me. "Are you CRAZY!?!? She has been my nemesis for as long as I can remember!" I heard him. I really did. However, I have also learned that the very person who is the greatest "pain in the ass" can also be our greatest gift.

So I asked him how she had ruined everything for him. I asked how he experienced himself at work, as a result of how this woman was behaving, and as a result of his reactions to her. He explained that she would dismiss his ideas as being foolish; she would accuse him of being lazy; she would interrupt him at sales meetings, and he would feel diminished and powerless.

I reminded him that he has always had a choice in how to respond to her, and that it sounded to me as if he had reacted rather than responded: he could have been proactive in responding to her over the years. Instead, he became reactive, namely, by withdrawing, becoming hostile but silent, and/or generally defensive with her in all their exchanges over the years. She had learned that her bullying worked, so she continued the same bullying behavior, since he did nothing to stop it.

I asked him in what other area of his life, with what other relationship, did he experience a similar dynamic - what other person in his life gave him the same kind of challenge? He answered his father. "And when your father bullies you, what have you done all your life?" He got tears in his eyes as he began to realize the connection between this woman's behavior and his experience with his father: "I would freeze in my tracks; I would want to hide; I shut up and swallowed everything I really wanted to say..." I suggested to him that this experience with his co-worker was giving him another opportunity to grow.

If he could learn to stand up to his co-worker, he could also learn to stand up to his own father, and experience himself as powerful instead of being the frightened victim of a bully.

"Wow!....I never saw it that way before!" I nodded and smiled as I watched him grasp the wisdom of our conversation. He was beginning to see the value of this experience with his co-worker: she was no longer someone who had the power to ruin his life, any more than his father really had the power to hold him back. He just thought they did.

We agreed that thoughts are things, and we can change our thoughts. It didn't have to be true for him that anyone else had the power to ruin his life. That had just been a thought. Not true.

As I look back on all the people I have been angry with, blamed for how they held me back or did me wrong, I have decided to look again...and to look again...and again.

Life is about perspective - about what we can see and how we see it. There is no one reality. It's just about how we see it.

Which difficult person in your life would you like to thank tomorrow? There's a great book entitled "Thank you for being a pain" by Mark Rosen, PhD. I highly recommend it! He helps his readers see the blessing and the gift of each person in our lives who has been a "pain"...either in the neck...or in the tush...

With love and blessings,
Sheila