"Thank You for Making Me Feel Insignificant!"

"The single greatest thing you can do

to change your life today would be to

start being grateful for what you have right now" ~ Oprah Winfrey

What do YOU have right now in your life, for which you could say “THANK YOU!” And...what is it in YOUR life that you would like to take to the next level, to expand into, shift and grow toward?

I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about, and I suggest you do the exercise for yourself:

RIGHT NOW: I have autonomy, independence, loving friends, delicious grandchildren, a thriving coaching practice, the financial ability to pay my basic bills, and I have Medicare...

RIGHT NOW: I am a single widow, have unfinished book projects, want to be a Keynote Speaker on a Global level, want ten times more money in the bank than I currently have, would like to have a loving long-term relationship with a man who adores me...

I feel a visceral, palpable gratitude for all that I have at this very moment. I also feel visceral, palpable longings to expand upon what I have right now and feel an excitement as I focus on my intentions for my future vision, and then choose to take daily actions to move in the direction of those aspects...

Those of us who are familiar with the film and/or the book “The Secret” may understand the Law of Attraction, to the extent that whatever feelings you and I have within our entire energetic system are the feelings we are attracting to ourselves. For example, if you are filled with worry, you will attract more worry. If I am filled with anxiety, I will attract more anxiety. For all of us, dissatisfaction attracts more of that, joyfulness attracts more of that, and so it goes.

SOOO...what is my job description for my life?

This is the “job” of being a human being: to become awake and aware of our thoughts and feelings and to choose to remain in an energetic state of GRATITUDE while celebrating life just as it is.

When you and I can remain there, in an energetic state of joyful gratitude, we can expand our lives, our perspectives, our options for living into our future vision for our lives.

HERE IS THE TRICK: To bless your life right now at this moment for being PERFECT RIGHT NOW! That means that you bless your life for your current conditions in your life, whatever that is. For me, it would be choosing to be joyfully grateful for my current condition of being a widow, for my current condition of having incomplete writing projects, for my current condition of being frustrated in my love relationship, for my current condition of having a more local practice than a global presence.

How exciting is that!?!? You and I can bless and acknowledge ourselves for having co-created our current realities, acknowledging that this present moment and everything that goes along with it is the PERFECT GIFT for you and me at this moment, so that we have this moment as a catalyst for growth and expansion into our tomorrows.

As Oprah reminds us, “The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now” When you and I can remain in that state of GRATITUDE, we can also join forces with the energy of JOY.

You know the Law of Attraction is about where we put our focus, our attention. Thus, choosing the intention and attitude of JOY attracts more joy. Feelings of happiness and elation are contagious and attract more of that happiness and elation. When you have the feelings of peace and serenity throughout your body and mind, you will naturally attract more of that. Gratitude attracts more gratitude and all things related to being thankful—expansiveness, an energy of allowing and openness. Kindness attracts more of that energy and likewise with LOVE attracting more LOVE.

A friend recently sent me a great quote: "When you complain, you become a living, breathing crap magnet." What an awesome quote! If you take a close look at your life... can you see periods when you fell into this pattern and things just kept getting worse and worse? I sure have. And I know that most often, I have noticed this in my own relationships, whether personal or professional.

I've also seen this principle at work with all the people whom I coach: as soon as one partner starts focusing on the stuff that bothers him/her, the relationship starts to take a turn for the worse. Have you seen that in your own life? It's kinda like the more you complain to your husband that he doesn't take out the trash enough, he forgets to do it even more!

Staying in an energetic state of complaining is the best and fastest way to see that "what you focus on expands." That is why I wanted to share this quote with you. It left a sting in my belly because I had to admit that sometimes I am a crap magnet. At least now that I am aware of it, I can also choose to snapout of it as quickly as I see it.

Recently a client came to see me for her weekly conversation; she walked into my office with tears in her eyes, face red, stomping over to the sofa to plunk herself down after she had loudly slammed the door behind her: “I really don't want to be here! I really don't want to talk to you! I just want to jump in front of a bus!”

What began to emerge in our conversation was her complaint: “He doesn't spend enough time with me...I feel like I'm second fiddle to his job!” As we expanded on the conversation, her deeper complaint was “I feel insignificant”....

Here was the gift of her relationship: for her to accept the invitation to express joy and gratitude for what she had inside her relationship, except for what she perceived she did not have. Her gift was to turn her complaint into an observation, and then gratitude.

I suggested that she observe the way she was feeling. When else in her life had she felt “insignificant”? She noted that that feeling was a life-long issue for her. Was she going to heal that inner belief that she was insignificant by being with someone who “made her feel significant”...or was it more likely to be healed in the face of that relationship, where she was challenged to face her own belief about herself?

Bingo! Inside the relationship – not outside of it.

I suggested to her that since her hidden limited belief had always been that she was insignificant, she had spent her lifetime in proving herself “right”. She would look for and therefore "see the evidence” inside of any given situation, including her new love relationship. Why? Because she needed to prove herself “right”.

The gift of her current love relationship is that she is confronted with herself again, in the same way. This time, she has a choice of running away from this relationship, or facing her role in creating the situation. If she first believes that she really is insignificant, she will unconsciously create situations which give her the evidence that she is right. She had been looking at any given situation through the lens of that perspective driven by the belief that she was in fact insignificant. After awhile, the people in her life had begun to respond (or react) to her energy, which had become full of complaints and fear. She had unconsciously alienated people, and it had begun to happen even with her new beloved. He had begun to stay away at work longer, just to avoid her complaints and demands for “more time”. Her kids had become more defiant and dismissive with her, further proving her “right” – “you see...I AM insignificant...even my kids don't listen to me!”

Despite the fact that this young woman didn't want to come see me that night, didn't want to talk to me that night and claimed that she really just wanted to jump in front of a bus, she left my office that night feeling empowered to create a different result in her life.

She saw that she had been spending a lifetime collecting evidence to prove herself right. She saw that she had been inadvertently pushing her beloved away, rather than creating an energy that he --or anyone else--wanted to be around.

I suggested to her that she go home and thank her sweetheart for being in her life, to thank him for all the things he does for her, and to leave out her complaints of the things he does not do."When you express gratitude, you become a living, breathing abundance and love magnet."

Things in our lives don't just “happen”...we create our results, either consciously or unconsciously. I'm not here to say that YOU created the snow storm or the flooding conditions; but...you do create your reactions to these situations. It IS your job to create your own results of these circumstances.

Understand this: your “job” is an inside job... To change your experience of your life, all you have to do is change the way you feel inside. How you feel inside becomes contagious to everyone and everything outside of you!

Look for the gift in every challenge and difficult situation or relationship. Ask yourself: "how am I being invited to grow inside of this condition?"

May you choose to feel grateful for all that you have in your life.

With gratitude and blessings
Sheila

"She ruined my life!"

How many of us walks around with this little voice inside that says things like:
If only I had been born to different parents!, or
That woman ruined my life!, or
If it hadn't been for that jerk at work, I would have been General Manager!, or
Why did I have to go through that terrible disease!, or
Why couldn't I have been born beautiful instead of smart? or
It was always the rich kids who got ahead... or
If I hadn't had kids, I would have had a great career!...
and you can fill in your own series of "oy veh" and "poor me"...

My favorite for myself is: If only my parents hadn't divorced and my father hadn't been such an emotional pigmy...If only my grandfather had left his millions to me and not my sisters...If only I hadn't gotten pregnant and had to quit school...

Today, I had a conversation with a man who was wailing about a woman at his place of business who has been a "thorn in his side" for years; he was pointing a finger at her, saying "She ruined my life!" When I asked to have him tell me more about that, he mused at how he believed that this particular person at work had systematically worked to undermine his position and authority to the point that he believed that no one really took him seriously.

I listened to this outpouring of pain, and I felt the sting. But I found myself starting to get sucked into his feeling like the victim, and I reminded myself that There are no unwilling victims. I suggested that he see this woman whom he has been blaming for years for his perceived demise at work as his greatest gift.

"What!?!?" he yelled at me. "Are you CRAZY!?!? She has been my nemesis for as long as I can remember!" I heard him. I really did. However, I have also learned that the very person who is the greatest "pain in the ass" can also be our greatest gift.

So I asked him how she had ruined everything for him. I asked how he experienced himself at work, as a result of how this woman was behaving, and as a result of his reactions to her. He explained that she would dismiss his ideas as being foolish; she would accuse him of being lazy; she would interrupt him at sales meetings, and he would feel diminished and powerless.

I reminded him that he has always had a choice in how to respond to her, and that it sounded to me as if he had reacted rather than responded: he could have been proactive in responding to her over the years. Instead, he became reactive, namely, by withdrawing, becoming hostile but silent, and/or generally defensive with her in all their exchanges over the years. She had learned that her bullying worked, so she continued the same bullying behavior, since he did nothing to stop it.

I asked him in what other area of his life, with what other relationship, did he experience a similar dynamic - what other person in his life gave him the same kind of challenge? He answered his father. "And when your father bullies you, what have you done all your life?" He got tears in his eyes as he began to realize the connection between this woman's behavior and his experience with his father: "I would freeze in my tracks; I would want to hide; I shut up and swallowed everything I really wanted to say..." I suggested to him that this experience with his co-worker was giving him another opportunity to grow.

If he could learn to stand up to his co-worker, he could also learn to stand up to his own father, and experience himself as powerful instead of being the frightened victim of a bully.

"Wow!....I never saw it that way before!" I nodded and smiled as I watched him grasp the wisdom of our conversation. He was beginning to see the value of this experience with his co-worker: she was no longer someone who had the power to ruin his life, any more than his father really had the power to hold him back. He just thought they did.

We agreed that thoughts are things, and we can change our thoughts. It didn't have to be true for him that anyone else had the power to ruin his life. That had just been a thought. Not true.

As I look back on all the people I have been angry with, blamed for how they held me back or did me wrong, I have decided to look again...and to look again...and again.

Life is about perspective - about what we can see and how we see it. There is no one reality. It's just about how we see it.

Which difficult person in your life would you like to thank tomorrow? There's a great book entitled "Thank you for being a pain" by Mark Rosen, PhD. I highly recommend it! He helps his readers see the blessing and the gift of each person in our lives who has been a "pain"...either in the neck...or in the tush...

With love and blessings,
Sheila

It really sucks to break up with my lover!

I just had breakfast with a good friend this morning. She asked "so...how's your love life?" My answer: "what love life?" She laughed. "how many times is this?" I answered that this was the 16th time I have let him go in the past four years. "This time...I REALLY MEAN IT!" I protested. My friend smiled lovingly as she heard me exclaim "It really sucks to break up with my lover!" I don't want to let him go. But I know that this is necessary for me to move on in my life.

I have maintained that whatever is going on in my life - or your life - is perfect. Sooo...how can THIS be "perfect"? Because I created it.

Four years ago, about a year after my husband's death, I wanted passion. I wasn't ready for a fully committed relationship. I had been in a marriage for over 30 years, and needed time to heal, to stretch, to experience being alone for the first time in my life. But...I was 64 years old and wanted to experience passion. Was it even possible for me, at this stage and age of my life?

The universe heard me. I went online and found him. It was as if he had his ear to the ground and was waiting for my call. He walked into my life and with a single kiss re-ignited my energies and my sensuality. This man was the perfect response to my request of the universe.

Four years later, I've had time to heal; time to stretch, and time to experience being alone. Four years later, I'm ready to step into a fully reciprocal love relationship. One catch: this man was never the "perfect" candidate for that. He was "perfect" for me when he came to me, because he was not either interested or capable of true intimacy. I wasn't ready for intimacy when I met him, so it was the "perfect" fit for us both.

I have evolved. He has not. I want more. He does not. The more I have tried to inspire him to stretch and evolve, the more he has resisted. He has actually been a huge part of my own spiritual growth these past four years. For all of that, I am grateful and I bless him.

No significant change takes place in a comfort zone. Staying in this dead-end amorous relationship would serve nothing for me, except ongoing frustration and emotional and spiritual emptiness. I know that. But boy oh boy! It really really sucks to break up!

I miss him. I miss his touch. I miss the familiarity. I miss the comfort we have created with being in each other's skin, each other's space. I don't want to step outside that comfort zone.

It sometimes hurts to grow - it's called "growing pains". But as I have stepped aside and let him go, as much as it hurts, as much as it really sucks, I am embracing and excited about the space I am creating to allow that special man who is looking for me to find me ready for him. Finally ready!

How is it for you?

Sheila Pearl