"I'm in So Much Pain!"

As you follow this blog, you will notice that my ongoing theme is "There is a gift in every aspect of our lives, and the bigger the difficulty, the bigger the gift!"

I understand that it is annoying if not impossible to hear that, as we are in the midst of great pain and suffering. Who wants to be told that this pain or this heart-break is any kind of "gift"?!

Nonetheless, that is what I am saying. Nonetheless, that is what I have experienced myself, in my life. Nonetheless, that is what I have witnessed with others I encounter all around me, whether it is friends and family, members of my various communities, and/or my dear clients.

The series of email communications is something that just occurred among members of a spiritual community to which I belong. To protect everyone's privacy, everyone but myself is designated with an initial letter: "G", "A", and "C"

This exchange is an example of a painful family situation for G, who had written for support and prayers from us in his group. "A" responded to G and I then responded to both "A" and "G". "C" responded to me.

This exchange is also an example of what I refer to as "wisdom conversations" - you and I have them all the time, if we just listen:


Dear Friends,
I hope this message finds each of You well. I am finding it difficult to write this message.
This weekend my father's health has taken a turn in a bad direction.

Although as of 5 days ago his vital signs were stable at a reasonable level & his long-term chronic illnesses are under control. Starting Friday he began to refuse food. Saturday he began to give us a hard time taking fluids. He fights us when we try to give him his absolutely essential meds. As a result his well-regulated blood pressure has soared to dangerous highs. We sneak meds into everything we can but it's difficult. As I write this the pressure is climbing again.

We are fearing the worst since we've been told these are symptoms of a terminal patient nearing the end. Yet that seems crazy since we gotten a clean bill of heath so recently.

I am feeling a cacophony of emotions and I am no master of the language of emotion. So I am reaching out. I am not sure what I want or what I need. I just feel I had to say something. I don't have to have every answer. I want him to stay. I don't want him to suffer. Until now these 2 ends complimented each other. Now I don't know.

Thanks 4 listening.
G
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Dearest G_____,

Ask a group like this and you will receive a flood of prayers and support like no other. I am so sorry to hear that you father is not doing well and hope that his suffering can improve.You are loved and your family will be held in our thoughts and prayers.

The conflict you describe so eloquently is hard to imagine.As you continue to need support, do not hesitate to ask and friends will appear in a flash.

Much love and peace to you brother G____ at this very difficult time.
We are here with you.

Love,
A
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Hello dear G_____,

I know we are "all one" so that when I speak to you, I speak to us all and to myself as well...

You may or may not be aware that I have walked a similar path both with my dear husband (who passed in 2005) and with my dear mother (who has been in a nursing home since March 09)...

As difficult and painful as this is for you and all of your loved ones, I want to suggest that all of it is "perfect" (not pleasant) and part of your collective opportunity to honor life, experience a part of yourselves and your own consciousness which is being invited by this heart-wrenching situation for your dear father and all who love him.As one of my healing teachers said to me: "the physical is the least of it all"...and it looks like it is the most of it all...

In the process of the struggle and "doing whatever it takes" to maintain life and the quality of life, we are each faced with moment-to-moment existential issues and emotional challenges: "why this?" and "this isn't fair" and "no-one should have to go through this!"...and yet...life is neither fair nor unfair.

Life just is.

It is how we respond to it that defines each moment...

In the midst of my husband's long illness, I discovered a whole new world of myself that was being invited to an "impossible" situation. I discovered strength and love and internal grit I didn't know was there. I also discovered a world of loving caregivers and friends and family who surrounded my husband and me with support and emotional sustenance.

Most of all, I discovered a world of soul connection and spirit-to-spirit communication which has taught me that whatever is happening on the physical level of life is a tip of the ice burg of what the total "reality" is for us all...

In Neale Donald Walsch's book "Home with God" he gives us the broader picture: he calls "continuation day" that time when the physical form returns to source... All that we are experiencing here and now in our physical condition is a small part of the greater reality of ourselves as spiritual beings...

If your emotional language is limited for you, this experience can stretch you in the same moments you are being fully present to your father and his many needs...

More than you could know, my heart is with you, and I am sending the intention of joyful acceptance of all that is the "what's so" for you and your father.

After you have fought all the battles, asked all the questions, done everything possible to support homeostasis and comfort for your father, what he needs most from you is your presence: being fully present to him and with him, without judging his situation...

That will be the most healing energy you can offer him...

With love and blessings
Sheila Pearl
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Dearest Sheila,

I just had to let you know that I find your words are so loving, comforting and insightful.

Thank you for sharing them with us all.

Love,
C
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Dear Sheila

Thank You for all of your kind words.

I find I never know how many similarities exist between our stories until something like this happens. At the same time, acknowledging these same similarities makes it easier to walk the tightrope between hope, fear, and facts.

Thanks again!
G

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In each of our painful situations, there is a gift at the core of it. Keep looking for it. It is there!

With love and blessings
Sheila

"She ruined my life!"

How many of us walks around with this little voice inside that says things like:
If only I had been born to different parents!, or
That woman ruined my life!, or
If it hadn't been for that jerk at work, I would have been General Manager!, or
Why did I have to go through that terrible disease!, or
Why couldn't I have been born beautiful instead of smart? or
It was always the rich kids who got ahead... or
If I hadn't had kids, I would have had a great career!...
and you can fill in your own series of "oy veh" and "poor me"...

My favorite for myself is: If only my parents hadn't divorced and my father hadn't been such an emotional pigmy...If only my grandfather had left his millions to me and not my sisters...If only I hadn't gotten pregnant and had to quit school...

Today, I had a conversation with a man who was wailing about a woman at his place of business who has been a "thorn in his side" for years; he was pointing a finger at her, saying "She ruined my life!" When I asked to have him tell me more about that, he mused at how he believed that this particular person at work had systematically worked to undermine his position and authority to the point that he believed that no one really took him seriously.

I listened to this outpouring of pain, and I felt the sting. But I found myself starting to get sucked into his feeling like the victim, and I reminded myself that There are no unwilling victims. I suggested that he see this woman whom he has been blaming for years for his perceived demise at work as his greatest gift.

"What!?!?" he yelled at me. "Are you CRAZY!?!? She has been my nemesis for as long as I can remember!" I heard him. I really did. However, I have also learned that the very person who is the greatest "pain in the ass" can also be our greatest gift.

So I asked him how she had ruined everything for him. I asked how he experienced himself at work, as a result of how this woman was behaving, and as a result of his reactions to her. He explained that she would dismiss his ideas as being foolish; she would accuse him of being lazy; she would interrupt him at sales meetings, and he would feel diminished and powerless.

I reminded him that he has always had a choice in how to respond to her, and that it sounded to me as if he had reacted rather than responded: he could have been proactive in responding to her over the years. Instead, he became reactive, namely, by withdrawing, becoming hostile but silent, and/or generally defensive with her in all their exchanges over the years. She had learned that her bullying worked, so she continued the same bullying behavior, since he did nothing to stop it.

I asked him in what other area of his life, with what other relationship, did he experience a similar dynamic - what other person in his life gave him the same kind of challenge? He answered his father. "And when your father bullies you, what have you done all your life?" He got tears in his eyes as he began to realize the connection between this woman's behavior and his experience with his father: "I would freeze in my tracks; I would want to hide; I shut up and swallowed everything I really wanted to say..." I suggested to him that this experience with his co-worker was giving him another opportunity to grow.

If he could learn to stand up to his co-worker, he could also learn to stand up to his own father, and experience himself as powerful instead of being the frightened victim of a bully.

"Wow!....I never saw it that way before!" I nodded and smiled as I watched him grasp the wisdom of our conversation. He was beginning to see the value of this experience with his co-worker: she was no longer someone who had the power to ruin his life, any more than his father really had the power to hold him back. He just thought they did.

We agreed that thoughts are things, and we can change our thoughts. It didn't have to be true for him that anyone else had the power to ruin his life. That had just been a thought. Not true.

As I look back on all the people I have been angry with, blamed for how they held me back or did me wrong, I have decided to look again...and to look again...and again.

Life is about perspective - about what we can see and how we see it. There is no one reality. It's just about how we see it.

Which difficult person in your life would you like to thank tomorrow? There's a great book entitled "Thank you for being a pain" by Mark Rosen, PhD. I highly recommend it! He helps his readers see the blessing and the gift of each person in our lives who has been a "pain"...either in the neck...or in the tush...

With love and blessings,
Sheila